Alright, so I’m a little behind. I slowed down the rate I was doing my drawings and to be honest, I have stopped doing this altogether. I wonder what it would take for me to get back into it.
Even though this drawing was done in only a few minutes last year, I can still remember what I was thinking and feeling. Some drawings are like that. Some are completely forgettable. This drawing, though, is the former. Around the time of this drawing, I had stopped seeing my therapist, but I found relief in it. I also lost faith in a friendship, which is nothing new, I suppose, but still hurts anyway. Around this time two years ago, my ex-husband moved away. And it was truly the end of that chapter. When I was drawing this, I was in pretty bad shape emotionally, but I forced myself to draw precisely because it was not comfortable. Looking at this now, I recognize my longing of the same kind of gaze that this couple had for each other. I felt very lonely.
Without the therapist and my friend, I felt like I had to start all over again with the healing process. At the same time, it felt like a huge weight lifted off from me and that expectations of my behavior and my healing process disappeared. It was ok that I wasn’t making any progress. It was ok that I wasn’t taking care of other people. It was ok that my needs came first. It was ok that the bump in my head was still there two months after the incident. It was ok that I wasn’t sleeping or eating or accepting helpful suggestions. It was ok that I was in a manic state at some point and couldn’t stop writing. It was ok because there was no one else. It was just me now. And anyway, I wasn’t even making it no matter how hard I tried to fake it.
Of course this was eight months ago. I’m no longer the same person nor do I have the same longing.
Also, I got a cat.