A lot happened on this day so I have been hesitant to post a blog about this day. But I’m going to be honest anyway, because hey… what’s the point otherwise. Should I filter though? I am not going to. I’ll probably fuck things up, but it’s through these fuckups that I actually learn something. After all, what is life without consequences?
First, I had my artist group conference call. Today was about saying no in order to say yes to something else. It was an apt topic because I had decided, after talking endlessly with my therapist, to say no to the status quo, to the path of least resistance and passively accept things as they are, allowing others to make decisions while I just react to them, instead of proactively taking a stance and making my own decisions. So I dropped the news to my group about a decision about changing my living situation which would require an uncomfortable discussion with my housemate but it was necessary. I decided that I wanted to live alone. Could I afford it? Barely, I’m sure, but it was necessary. this was spurred by a recent project for an exhibit I will be participating in November. This decision was done through many factors, mostly both my housemate and my financial stability, and both of our own need for personal growth. I am nocturnal and I need that room and freedom to thrive. I imagine she needed more room too, with two growing, rambunctious boys who’ve outgrown this house over this past year. Everyone seemed really supportive and maybe I talked too much about how incompatible our schedules were. It was maybe for my benefit because I was feeling guilty for displacing someone for something I knew was a bit selfish on my part. The call ended and I felt good about it.
Second, I went to a practice rehearsal with a dance group for a performance at a club that evening, flashmob style, the teacher said. The practice went well and I have no complaints. I know I’m not the best dancer, nor do I have the best stage presence, but I am so grateful for having learned this routine and being given the chance to perform. I left practice in a happy space. The drawings came from that commute.
Third, I went to the club and I even put on makeup that night and danced away. It was really fun, even though we couldn’t see a thing and I doubt anyone else could see us! And my bra straps came off!! I forgot it was one of those bras with the optional bra straps that you could hook on or not. I told my teacher and he said… GOOD! We stayed for the drag show that followed and we even participated in another number at the last minute on stage with one of the drag queens.
Fourth I came home and logged into facebook to find a message from one of the people in the artist support group, saying that there was too much information given out in the phone calls that morning. My gut response was to just apologize for oversharing and slink away from the group. It was an unfortunate end to what otherwise had been a good day, full of good energy and even some self confidence.