non-dominant hand drawing 05/28/2015

On this evening, I went to dance class. After the class, I met with some of the dancers for the benefit thing in which I should never have agreed to perform. I said some things that really frustrated me about the process. They listened and one of them said, “Ok, so I’ll see you tomorrow at 6” over and over and over. The drawings below and how apathetic the people looked were how I felt they were with me. I felt dismissed, minimized, trivialized and I should have said I would not show up. However, I felt obligated to because I already said yes. I felt forced to show up. I felt like I needed their permission to leave. Yes, I am in therapy. I didn’t think I had the option to say no, to change my mind. I felt like I had to give reasons why I could not do it, but I thought they didn’t think the reasons were valid enough. I don’t know. In fact, I could have just walked away, but I thought walking away meant that I was a bad person, and I didn’t want to be a bad person. Instead, I let the frustration fester within me to be unleashed the next time we met. It was really ugly. I felt ugly. I felt defeated.

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