non-dominant hand drawing 05/06/2015

In the first image I wrote “time to get off the train” and it was really time to get off the train so I could not finish the drawing “damn it.” However, this image is very poignant as about the same time, I had been kind of putting off ending a situation between me and another man whom I’d been seeing for a couple of months. It wasn’t meant to be long term and it was fine. He was a lovely young man who was a bartender and also a therapist and we both wanted what the other one was offering at the time. As time went on, it was clear that I was developing feelings that I didn’t want to develop, and that he didn’t want to receive. So he became distant. We hardly spoke in the last month. I wanted to tell him after a while that I thought we should end it, but then we met once after not speaking for two weeks, and he wanted to get intimate, and I didn’t, but I couldn’t find the words to say it. I have difficulties and often feel guilty for saying no. (yes, before you ask, I am in therapy). I felt guilty afterwards for some reason for turning him down. I put off saying anything at all, and then finally I decided it was time to get off the train, damn it.

The takeaway lesson for me here: don’t date a bartender if you don’t like to drink alcohol. It’s not going to work (in the long term).

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