Consistency has been my biggest foe this month. I don’t know what’s happening to me. Ever since the show went up in early February, I’ve been feeling really down and slow to start on a lot of things. I want to just retreat into my turtle shell for 5 days or so and not be in contact with the world, but that’s not possible, as I do work. Everyday I just try to make it through the day. Some days it’s difficult to get out of bed… much like I used to be when I was separated and had to attend therapy. For the most part, I fake it til I make it. It’s been my go-to survival tactic for the past 5-6 yrs. I try to be consistent with these drawings and at first, I was totally on the ball. But when I changed gears, I also disrupted the momentum. Though I’m still rolling slowly, it’s like I’ve hit a bunch of potholes or speed bumps or something that slows down the momentum.
However, there are bright spots in my week that carry me through the week and I try to focus on that, looking forward to those moments when I can let go of responsibilities and making decisions even for a little while and just follow directions. That’s one reason I take dance classes.
Anyway, I’m trying to do drawings with my left hand now, thanks to a recent thumb infection, to keep things fresh and new and see the magic a little more. I think… maybe that’s what I need… a little challenge so I can get back into the momentum, but I think I still want to lay down and do nothing, not be in contact with the world for 5 days, to recharge my batteries or something.
A lot of people have it worse than me, so I feel guilty for even wanting this. And honestly, I can make that happen… a luxury that not everyone has. I have no kids. No one depends on me on anything anymore.
I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop here. Enjoy my left handed drawings.